You know, I've come to notice that when I start to feel down some, I feel the need to start up on my journal again. Could it help me? I find myself turning on some music and my mind starts to race.. I wonder if it's the music choice and the things that are going on in my life...
Yeah, I'm starting to feel down some. I'm trying to hold it back. I started back on my prozac for now. I feel prozac inhibits me from really feeling. It could be the reason for that feeling that I mentioned in my last blog. I almost felt numb to my feelings. How odd does that sound? lol
So here is another day, I'm still jobless and carless.. I am trying to patiently wait for that tax return to come to my door so I can get a vehicle. GOD that would be so nice! I find myself constantly browsing the internet trying to find a job, while locking myself in my room. I know that it's a bad thing to do that, but I feel like I need to.. I have to kind of step away from everything and everyone to find myself again. I want that old me again. I find myself thinking about that quite a bit. Like what was I doing at that point in my life, who was in my life at that point? Man, I tell you last summer was so great.. Why can't I get myself back into that groove again? What do I need to do to get there.....?
What I've gathered is this.. 1) I had just broken up with my girlfriend 2) I was hanging out with my buddy JB (we aren't friends anymore, due to a girl! what a shame, he was a good guy) 3) I had been on my meds for about 6-7 months and stopped taking them. 4) I was drinking a lot, but it never interfered with what was going on in my life. 5) I had just purchased my bike.
I'll have to add more things to this list later, but at this time that's all I can think of...
Damn it's been a loooong time since I've posted a blog, figured tonight would be a good night to get some crap off of my chest.
So let's turn on the music and get to it..
Let's start with a quick update..
Since my last blog I had to drop out of school, couldn't afford all the bills I managed to rack up.. lol. Oh, I'll be back. I have to, it was a promise to my old man and myself. It was tough, I was working 3 jobs and going to school full time. Man, that shit really started to take a toll on me. So I decided I needed to drop out and take my happy ass to Gillette and work. I found a decent job out there and met some cool people, but I was never truly happy. I found my moods were jumping around so sporadically and I couldn't manage. In fact, I ended up gaining some weight that I should not have. O'well, shit happens.
So after sticking it out there for 6 months I decided that I needed a dramatic change in my life. I needed to feel alive again. I needed to find myself. So I sold everything I owned and bought a plane ticket. I found myself in a little town known as LaBelle, located in the south western part of Florida, I have started a new life with my cousins and my Aunt and Uncle. I love them to death. (quick THANKS to you guys)
So that brings me to today.
Florida, wow, I love it down here. The sun gets to me at times, but I'm trying to cope with it. I've met some pretty interesting people down here, some of which I could go without seeing for an extended period of time and some I love to see everyday. (you already know who you are) It's a bitch finding a job right now and not having a car really puts twist on things. Waiting for my tax return to finally show up so I can get a cheap ride. I keep getting dicked around by the IRS. Long story short, let's just say I messed up on my taxes years ago. I fixed that a couple years ago, but they keep screwing me around. Go figure right? I've been down here a month so far, found a part-part-part time job at a computer store, but he's strapped for cash and that makes even harder for me to get any money. Sucks how everything in my life is on hold because of someone else's screw up. I mean everything, how am I supposed to find a real job if I don't even have a flippin car. Fucking punks. It's alright though, I'm managing.. I think..
One thing that has been in my head lately is something my mom and dad told me before I left Rapid.
"When are you going to settle down, find a career and make me some grandchildren"
Crazy, I know this.. But it really has me thinking about things.. Again.... Man, I love living the single life. I don't answer to anyone but myself. But on the other hand it's been a long time since there's really been someone in my life. Like, I've had a few girlfriends along the way, some don't like me and some have became really good friends, but no really serious relationships. Sometimes I think it get's to me.. Like, for the longest time I really found it difficult for me to really feel for someone. It was weird, really hard for me to explain it. It wasn't like I felt my last 'serious' girlfriend burned me, because I really don't feel like she did and it's not like I hate her. I mean, she hates me, but that's her problem, not mine. I could give two shits. But that feeling, that feeling where when you kiss someone and you can't help yourself, but to smile. You know, that teenage love thing, the kind of thoughts that don't leave your head until you finally manage to fall asleep at 4 o'clock in the morning. Damn, it's been an extremely long time since I've felt that. What happened..? Did I grow up and come to realize that it was simply that, a teenage love thing? Has society hardened me up to the point where I can't feel that anymore or ever again? Maybe I need to stop worrying about that and focus on myself again. Hmmm, maybe I'm getting to sappy at this point, sooooo next subject.........................
I've beginning to think about my life and where things are going. Is it going in the right direction? Am I doing things right? Gotta get my shit figured out. Quick like. Keep my head up and keep trucking, that's all about you can do, right?
I'm really hoping that when my cousin finally gets his house things will start to change for me. But, I'm scared about things. Mostly, it is if I can find that true happiness I once felt. Man, that was a year and a couple days ago when I really felt like I was on top of the world. I don't mean finding happiness within someone else, but finding happiness within myself. You know, I think I have an idea what's up. Not having a job and sitting around with pennies to my name starts to take it's toll on someone. Starting to feel like a lazy chump. I mean, I can be lazy (lol) but I'm not a chump. Then on top of that, making a dramatic change in my life. Going from where I know just about everyone and their brother to only knowing a handful of people.. Crazy huh? The shit I do to myself..
Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and feel like a lot of weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Got to start finding that happiness someday right? Might as well start tomorrow..
I wonder if this sounds like one looong rant, almost bitching.. I'll have to read it in a few days and get back to that.. lol. So if you see it deleted then you know what's up.. haha
disclaimer : I type as fast as I can think. Sooooo if some of the stuff on this doesn't make sense, you know what's up.. Damn my typing skills.. hahah
am starting to get my shit together. I moved in with my girlfriend. I got help. I'm in school. I'm going to be starting a second job here shortly. life is good.
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